Have You Seen Me?

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Recognize insecurity & put it in it's place!

We made initial contact by E-mail, through a 3rd party. At first I was skeptical of who it was I was talking with. We e-mailed personal questions&answers back and forth
until the both of us were satisfied that it was indeed mom and son talking.
That's when insecurity stepped in!

What if he doesn't really want to reunite, but instead just wants the chance to tell me how much he hates me?
What if he tells me that he never wants to see me again?
Will he be embarrassed of the mom he barely remembers, once we go to video cam?
What if he doesn't believe anything I say to him?

Those were just a few of the questions nagging at me, when we first began our reunification process.

In spite of my worries, our conversations went well.
"Skype!" He suggested.
He patiently explained how to download the Skype program.
After ten years of searching, there my older son was, sitting right before my eyes!
I didn't have a cam set up at first, so he could not see the tears as I traced my fingers across the computer screen.

For about a week we met up on Skype just about every night.
We asked each other questions. I heard "Do you remember?" about a million times.
We played songs for each other. We sent funny video links back and forth. I 'introduced' him to his little brother. We took many pictures of each other on Skype...
All of these activities helped fill in gaps, when we were lost at what to say next.
Then as easily as he reappeared in my life, he was gone!

Did I say something wrong? I was honest with his questions.
(Even the uncomfortable ones) Should I have lied to him instead?
Maybe he really did hate me, and just wanted to ......

The list of 'what if's' goes on and on. All of these questions were filled
with self doubt.
I am sure that I was miserable to be around at this point.

I sent him an Email, but there was no answer. Perhaps I am being too pushy, and he feels like I'm bugging him too much?
That's it! If he don't want to talk anymore, I get it...

About 2 weeks later, he contacted me. I was afraid of being rejected again, so I tried to remain aloof. That didn't work well for me and instead, my heart bubbled over with joy.
It turns out that I had neither said nor done anything wrong.
The lack of contact was simply because he's a teen boy, with things to do. Go figure!
About that unanswered E-mail?
"I HATE to write, mom! I don't write Email or letters. I did read your letter though."

I went through this 'insecure phase' the first few months of initial contact. Every time I didn't hear from him, I blamed myself, and constantly questioned what it was that I had done wrong.
Yet each time it was the same answer....
A young adult with things to do!

It took quite a few months, and a bit of pressure from my sis for me to take the next BIG step.

It's not that I didn't want to see my own son...
After all, I'd been searching for him and his brother for over 10 years.
But I was insecure and frightened to death.
Afraid of what?
Everything! I was afraid of saying the wrong thing. I was afraid of doing the wrong thing. You name it, and I was just downright scared of messing it up!

FINALLY I asked. "Would it be o.k. if I came down, and we went out for a pizza or something?" Instead of a slice of pizza and not enough time, the people with whom he lived invited me to their home for the weekend. How kind of them!

It was a long enough drive to where he lives. Long enough for me to worry myself ill!
What if they were luring me there, only to gang up and beat the crap out of me?
What if it were a hoax, and I made the drive, only to find that it was a wrong address?

Do you see an unhealthy pattern developing?
For every step forward with our reunification, I worried myself 3 steps back.
Again all of this worry was unnecessary.

After 10 + years of searching, I FINALLY MET MY SON!
I can never repay these 'strangers' who opened up their home as a 'neutral-comfort zone,' so that my son and I could reunite.
Words can't possibly describe that weekend. We had a great time!
(Although I am suspicious that he was trying to do me in, with that 12 mile hike in the wee AM hours!)
The weekend came to an end waaayyy too soon. It was impossible to even begin to make up for the 10 years gone by.
I grew bold and asked him if he wanted to come visit for a week, and was more than elated when he agreed.
Within the week he met his little brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other relatives. There were a few informal dinner parties. The two of us stayed up late, trying to catch up with lost time.
Many many times he compared himself and his mannerisms to mine. He saw! What an awesome compliment!

Alas, it was time to take him back home. I have to admit that It wasn't easy to do that!
There was still so much left unsaid.
And yet he said it all...
With a hug he asked, "When are you coming back, mom?"


Anonymous said...

How are things going now with reunification?


mammabear said...

Thanks for stopping by, BK.
Things are going well for the most part.
One of the 2 sons relocated from Wv to Pa...a LOT closer to me :)
The other son...well...we're working on things.
I've been working on writing more for the ~Located~ side of things...but it isn't easy talking about some of these things.